


Reading between the lines

by antimiya88



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-16 14:18:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antimiya88/pseuds/antimiya88
Summary: When Jun asked his boyfriend, Nino, to move in with him he was sure that he had found happiness. Nino was as if he was sent like a present to him, as if they were meant to be together. Everything seemed perfect till the moment Jun went to Nino's bedroom to be sure the other hadn't forgotten anything. That day they would finally start a new chapter in their relationship, in their very own apartment. There was a box at the back of Nino's wardrobe. Inside there were letters, all written and sent from the same person; Ohno Satoshi. Jun would never forget this name. He was Nino's ex-boyfriend. According to Nino they were of no importance; old... but how can a letter sent two weeks ago be considered old?





	1. Chapter 1

 

Jun looked at the sleeping figure of his lover next to him. A shy smile appeared on his face as he stretched out his right hand to caress the other’s hair. He looked so peaceful like this… peaceful and beautiful… It was the exact opposite image of the one he had the first time they met. He still couldn’t believe how impulsively he had acted that night. It wasn’t like him to simply follow a complete stranger after a few minutes of their accidental encounter but then again, Nino wasn’t any ordinary stranger.

 

Jun still remembered the way his eyes were looking right into his… as if they were trying to see the real him, free of the walls Jun usually kept when he was around people.  He wasn’t a person who’d open up easily but Nino had inspired him to try… to take the risk for the first time in his life and now, that he was watching him sleeping like this at his side, he knew he had made the right choice.

 

Till then, he had never thought of himself as someone romantic but he realized it was only because he hadn’t met the right person. His first impression of his boyfriend was of someone fearless; an adventurer… later he realized he was someone who’d hide his feelings with mastery; someone who would turn shy at the sound of the phrase ‘I love you’; someone who’d look into his eyes and made him feel complete because of the love and the adoration he could see be reflected in them.

 

Jun was still lost in his thoughts when he felt the bed moving. He turned his gaze towards Nino just to find him frowning as he sat up better on the bed.

 

“You should have moved me a bit… my left arm is cramped…” the latter whined as he massaged his arm slowly. “You should consider yourself lucky that you’re this handsome!”

 

Jun chuckled. Nino was many things… he was also a teaser, a cute little teaser… “You’ll never change…” he mumbled with a soft voice as he leaned to press his lips on the so-said arm. “Is it better now or should I kiss it again?!” he whispered close to Nino’s ear when caught the way the latter was smiling at him and opened his arms. Nino didn’t seem to need any special invitation as he immediately snuggled in Jun’s embrace.

 

When time was allowing it, they’d pass their mornings like this… cuddling in bed. It wasn’t that they weren’t passionate; the dirty bedsheets that were covering them and the scattered clothes from Nino’s living room to the bedroom were the best proof to that but to Jun, moments like this were even more precious; it was such moments that showed him that he had taken the right decision. Keeping him in his arms like this was what he needed to know that Nino was the one for him.

 

He closed his arms tighter around his waist, causing the latter to be pressed closer to him. He loved the feeling of his body against his and that morning he needed it more than ever. That morning was marking a new chapter in their relationship. In a few hours, they’d finally move to their new apartment; the apartment they had chosen together. Jun would finally wake up every single morning with Nino at his side; ten months after that destined, first encounter. Ten months of pure bliss and meaning in his life. He closed his eyes letting the happenings of that night be replayed in his mind.

 

\---

 

_It was a quarter to midnight. Jun had been working since nine in the morning, preparing the last details for his upcoming fashion show. He was a perfectionist and wanted everything to have been inspected in the finest detail. He wanted to prove that the prize he had won as the best newcomer right after he graduated from the Fashion School wasn’t a coincidence. It was something he deserved but of course, that came along with tens of hours in his small workshop. The Christmas Gala was only four weeks apart and he wanted everything to be ready. He was someone who envisioned everything and couldn’t be less satisfied than the ultimate perfection._

_After having organized the next day’s things needed to be done, he closed the workshop and hurriedly walked towards the metro station, wanting to reach home as soon as possible. His stomach was protesting and his head was aching from the six coffees he had had during the day to be able to work till that hour. Sighing, he climbed down the escalator in a hurry when he heard the characteristic sound the doors of the metro had when they were open. Once his feet reached the platform and without giving it a second thought, he started running as fast as his legs could carry him without paying much attention to his surroundings. It was only when he heard someone cursing out loud that he realized what had just happened. He had bumped with force on someone who had just got off the metro._

_“Are you out of your mind?! Don’t you see that there are people passing by?!” Jun could only bow. “You don’t have the privilege to be the only one around, you know!”_

_“I’m sorry…” Jun mumbled under his breath._

_He saw the other coming closer and felt his eyes checking him from head to toe. Involuntarily, he looked at the other as well. He was small-figured but probably around his age, despite the youthfulness he was emitting. Jun could even call him cute, as he looked closer. It wasn’t that he could be described as the typical good-looking type of guy but there was something about him that made the others pay attention to him. Jun could easily say that someone like him, with his youthful looks and powerful and, from what it seemed, strong personality, would be unlikely to pass unnoticed. Sighing, he lowered his head. It didn’t really matter whether the other was like that or not. Jun was tired and certainly not in the mood for any trouble or even any type of word exchange that night, even with someone like this._

_“You should consider yourself lucky that you’re this handsome, otherwise we’d still go on here…!”_

_Jun blinked at the other’s comment. Had this guy just hit on him? He turned his gaze upwards till their eyes met. Surprised, he found the small-figured man standing only a few centimeters away from him. There was a clear smirk on his face but that wasn’t what caught Jun’s attention; it was the intensity of the stranger’s gaze, as if his eyes were trying to decode him. Under any other circumstances, he’d find it threatening; at that moment though, he didn’t know how to react or if he had to react in any way, in the first place._

_“Don’t tell me that you don’t play for the team?! I can clearly remember your eyes stuck on my hips for a lot more than the appropriate time…”_

_Jun was left staring at the other who smirked wider, his eyes moving from his lips to his eyes. “You’re also cute when you’re at a loss of words!” the small-figured man said while trying to muffle a chuckle. “So cute, that if there wasn’t anyone else around, I would kiss these pouty lips of yours…” the last words were not spoken but whispered; dangerously close to his ear._

_Jun could hear the sound of the next, and last, metro arriving but didn’t move from his spot. He couldn’t; not when the other had just spoken such words… not when he was staring at him with such intensity… not when his whole body was shivering…_

_“Your metro arrived. Bye-bye, cutie!”_

_The doors had opened, Jun could hear again the characteristic sound but his feet couldn’t move. His eyes were following the small-figured man who was now climbing up the escalator. Who was he and why did he have such an impact on him?! He didn’t know. He couldn’t explain. Without even realizing what he was doing, he found himself following the other. He couldn’t understand why he did that either… but at this moment, it was as if his body was moving on its own; any trace of headache or fatigue was gone._

_“I must have made quite an impression to you to have you following me, cutie!” he heard the stranger say once they were out of the station._

_“What’s… what’s your name?” Jun asked not being able to recognize himself. He was never open with people; always skeptical but there he was, asking some random guy’s name who had just called ‘cutie’ after having lost his metro. He was supposed to be going home; he was supposed to be thinking only of his warm bed that was waiting for him but the more he looked at the man in front of him, the more he found himself getting lost in those beautiful eyes._

_“Nino… Yours? Because as much as I love calling you cutie, I think it is more appropriate to call you differently when we’re in public…”_

_“Jun.”_

_Nino smirked as he came closer. “It seems to me that you lost the last metro, Jun…”_

_“I will take the bus…” Jun replied fast, still unable to justify his behavior. He saw the other making another step forward and his heart started beating faster, his breath turning even more uneven than before._

_“Since you already lost your train, what do you say to exploit it?” Jun tilted his head curiously. “I know a good bar right at the corner…” Nino continued, his smirk having turned into a smile._

_“I…”_

_“Just a drink… so that you can say that you didn’t lose your train for no reason…”_

_Jun was biting his lower lip. He had never done that. He had never been the one to speak with strangers, have drinks with them or follow them like that. He only had two past relationships, both serious. Yet, he found himself walking side by side with this Nino. His voice was like a Siren’s song, enchanting his senses so that he lowered his barriers and locked away any trace of logic. He didn’t know if he was what others described as love-struck or not. He just knew that he wanted to pass more time with him._

_Once inside the bar, Nino made a quick nod to the bartender, making Jun realize that they should probably know each other._

_“Nino! It looks like your magic worked again…!”_

_Jun froze. He didn’t know how to interpret this. Was it usual for Nino to bring there random guys? Was he just looking for meaningless one-night stands?! If he judged by the way he had approached him, he could tell that he’d have no issues. Wasn’t he a random guy, as well? Everything pointed that he was…. Jun frowned at his own thoughts and, what surprised him, worries. Did it really matter to him? He didn’t know the guy… He was a complete stranger… He knew nothing about him; nothing but his name or more correctly nickname; Nino. Why wasn’t he able to move forward? Why was he frowning? Why was he staring at him expectantly? What did he want the other to say?_

_“Cut the crap, Aibaka and bring us two glasses of red wine!”_

_Jun was still lost in his thoughts when he felt Nino grabbing him by his hand and leading him to the bar stool._

_“Don’t pay attention to him. He likes to tease me!”_

_“So, you don’t bring random guys here?” Jun asked staring straight at Nino’s eyes, surprising himself one more time that night. Since when did he ask such straightforward questions?_

_The latter, though, didn’t smirk; he didn’t laugh either. He only looked at him, his eyes locked at Jun’s. “You’re the second… after years…” This time his voice sounded unlike before; serious._

_“Two and a half to be exact…” Jun turned around to find the tall bartender placing the two glasses of red wine in front of them. “Nino might be easy with words but difficult with actions… The fact that you sit here means something!” Jun was perplexed and it seemed that the bartender caught it as he continued. “Look… about before… I just wanted to tease him a bit… Sorry, if that worried you in any way. Sometimes I act before I think…”_

_Jun didn’t know what to say. Twenty minutes had passed by and he still hadn’t uttered a single word. Everything that night seemed surreal. His eyes were locked at the glass of wine in front of him. It felt like ages since he had been able to go out for a drink… He had devoted himself to his work. He had almost forgotten how it was to feel. Jun frowned. Was **that** the reason why he felt so lost? Maybe… Or it was him… Always wanting to have control… He looked up at Nino who was staring back at him with questioning eyes. _

_Maybe he had overthought about it. Maybe he shouldn’t run to conclusions before he even got to know the other. He wouldn’t lose anything, would he? He had lost his train, he had followed him to this small bar, he was sitting next to him… he should not take back the chance he had given him that night. His heart was beating too fast to ignore it. He had to listen to him… Nino didn’t owe him anything in the first place. It was him the one who decided to risk…_

_“Jun-kun, if you want to leave, I… will understand...” Nino’s tone showed a sadness that made Jun’s heart clench. Its fast beating quickly turned into a painful one. He didn’t like seeing the other like this. Even if he didn’t know him well… He didn’t like it. “I’m sorry for making you lose your train. I can pay a taxi if you want me to.”_

_Jun could hear how Nino’s voice turned low, almost a whisper… trembling, hesitant. “I’m the one who followed you and came here…” he leaned closer, letting his hand trace feather-like Nino’s cheek. “Because… I find you cute, too...”_

_This time Nino didn’t say anything in return. He just blushed. Jun felt as if for the first time in that night, the roles had been reversed. He was gaining control while the other was losing it. There was something… that touch… that stare… Something told Jun that Nino, Ninomiya Kazunari, as he found out later, was someone who could understand him, even if there weren’t words spoken. He felt as if they could understand each other… or at least both sides were **willing** to understand each other. It seemed that this young man had multiple layers and Jun found himself eager to discover as many as possible._

_For the first time in months, Jun could relax. After several weeks of thinking nothing else but the upcoming fashion show, he found himself smiling even laughing; and above all, he was doing it genuinely. He could see the way the other was listening to him, with his full attention on him, and something inside him told him that he had made the right choice that night. Risky? Yes. Wrong? No. That was proved again when they separated almost two hours later with Jun having Nino’s number in the memory of his phone._

_It was almost 3 am, about to lie down with his mind trying to put everything in order, when he heard his phone buzzing._

**_From_ ** _: Nino_

_I’m happy I had the guts to_

_call you cutie tonight._

_Can’t wait to see you again, Jun._

_Call me!!_

_Nino ^^_

_Jun couldn’t suppress his smile. He was happy the other had the guts to call him cutie but he was happier that he had the guts to follow him and call him the same way in return; happier than he had been in years._

_\---_

 

_ Three weeks later _ _…_

_“I didn’t know that you didn’t eat raw food. If I knew, I wouldn’t have invited you to a sushi restaurant… You should have told me!”_

_Jun was frowning disappointed with himself. He hadn’t thought that the other might not like it… Why hadn’t he thought of that?_

_“Hey… It was your choice because tonight we celebrated your great success in the fashion show!”_

_“Yes but…” Jun didn’t have the chance to speak as Nino’s fingers found his mouth._

_“No buts…”_

_“Nino… I wanted you to enjoy yourself tonight and-”_

_“There’s a way to enjoy myself tonight, Jun…” every word was whispered in a slow, seductive tone, sending tens of shivers down Jun’s spine. “And you, too… I want to take care of you tonight, Jun…”_

_Jun didn’t need to spend time to realize what the other was implying. Like the first time of their encounter, he let the other lead him in the streets. His heart was thumping in his chest and his excitement was building up with every step. Nino’s hand felt so warm and right in his… and he couldn’t lie… he wanted to feel more; to feel everything the other had to give him…_

_In less than fifteen minutes, Jun found himself entering a relatively new building and after climbing up the stairs till the first floor, he was pushed inside an apartment. He didn’t have the time to register any information about the room. He didn’t care. All he cared about were these hot lips that were touching and sucking his neck; the hands that were trying in a desperate way to get rid of his jacket. Their clothes were unceremoniously left on the floor as they made their way to Nino’s bedroom._

_Hands were roaming everywhere they could reach, lips were tasting every possible corner led by the husky sounds that were escaping from the back of their throats. They were both hungry for each other… Jun could feel the heat spreading all over his body but wanted to show how much he cared for the other. So far, he had never cared for the ones he slept with. He always focused on him, on his needs, on his satisfaction but not this time. Tonight, he wanted to watch Nino melt in his arm, moan his name breathlessly, look at him with glazed eyes, lost in the pleasure he was giving him…_

_Soon, the temperature in the bedroom rose; the bed creaked under their passionate movements; their moans and whimpers echoed on the walls…. Their bodies kept moving in perfect unison, as if they were made to fit so perfectly. That night Jun probably realized for the first time how much he loved the other. Seeing his lover arching his back, his head thrown back with eyes tightly closed sent shivers down his spine and made him even more eager to reach his own bliss. He took Nino in his arms, wanting to feel him as close as possible and kept moving faster while his eyes were locked with his lover’s ones. His body started trembling… he was almost there…_

_“I love you…”_

_Hearing this, Jun let out a husky moan. He couldn’t control it anymore… His body jerked one last time before his mind was covered by a sweet fog of pleasure._

_“I love you, Jun…”   the same words were spoken once again, making Jun let out a sound that was between a cry of happiness and a sob._

_“I… I love you too, Kazu!” he whispered and leaned closer to catch his lover’s lips, not realizing how the other had stiffed._

_“Nino…”_

_Jun frowned. “What?”_

_“Call me Nino, please…”_

_Jun bit his lower lip but didn’t allow himself to overthink once again… not tonight… not now… He was told that he was loved… that was everything that mattered that night._

_“I love you, Nino…” he repeated on Nino’s lips before pecking them softly._

_His lover didn’t say anything more. He only wrapped his arms around Jun’s neck as if he sought for protection and Jun couldn’t deny him. He was still within the other but the latter didn’t move him. Jun wrapped, on his turn, his arms around Nino’s slim waist. He could stay like that forever…_

_\---_

_ Five months later _ _…_

_“I wish I didn’t have to go…”_

_Jun chuckled and pressed his lips on the top of Nino’s head. “I have told you that you could leave some of your clothes here…”_

_“But your wardrobe has no space even for **your** clothes… let alone mine…” Nino was right. There was no space for Nino’s clothes. “Unless you bought another one!” Nino told him in a mischievous way as he kept playing with Jun’s fingers in his palms._

_They were sitting on Jun’s sofa or more correctly, Jun was sitting on the sofa with his boyfriend on his lap._

_“What if we buy a new one? Big enough for both of us?” the words slipped out of Jun’s mouth before he realized what he had said._

_He felt Nino stopping his small caresses before turning to look at him with a hint of frown on his forehead._

_“What… what do you mean?” his voice was surprisingly low, almost trembling._

_Jun smiled as he brought his right hand to Nino’s head, brushing his fingers through the soft hair._

_“I mean what if we bought things that would be big enough for both of us? Maybe a bigger place? So that the living room has enough space for my design desk and your game consoles…”_

_“Jun…”_

_“Would you like to move in with me, Nino?”_

_“Yes!! Yes, I want to move in with you, Jun!” Nino almost shouted in an excited way that reminded that of a young child just told that he would pass a day in DisneySea._

_Jun chuckled and crushed their lips together._

_“We can start up looking for available apartments!”_

_“Yes! We can do that… but later… now, I have something else on my mind…”_

_Jun couldn’t deny him. He let his head rest on the back of his sofa as a wonderful warmth covered him. They could always look later…_

_\---_

_ One and a half months later _ _…_

_“I’m happy for you, Matsumoto-kun!”_

_Jun only nodded. He and Nino were at the bar, Nino had taken him the first night of their encounter. He was sitting at a small table with the owner and the bartender’s boyfriend, Sakurai Sho. Aiba Masaki was a close friend of Nino since the first year of high-school and even if Jun found him a bit too loud, he could tell that he was genuine and a good friend for Nino._

_“Shouldn’t they have come back already? How much time does it require to make four simple cocktails?!”_

_Sho lit up his cigarette before turning his head to the bar stool where the two friends were talking in a low voice._

_“I’m sure Masa will be bombarding Nino-kun with questions… You know how he is sometimes!”_

_Jun rolled his eyes. Yes… he definitely knew. “I’ll go and bring them along with our drinks…”_

_He walked towards the two friends who were speaking in a really low voice. That wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t for the serious expressions in their faces._

_“Shouldn’t you tell him the truth? I think it’s already more than enough…”_

_It was obvious that the two friends hadn’t heard him coming._

_“I know, Aiba-chan… but I’m also afraid. What if…?”_

_“You know I have supported you till now but I don’t think you can keep up like that… You will end up making a serious mistake… You must… Ah! Matsumoto-kun!” Suddenly Masaki’s voice turned high-pitched. “Are we this late?! Oops!”_

_Jun didn’t say anything. His eyes were locked on his boyfriend who turned to look at him without being able to hide his nervousness._

_“I didn’t know that you two were having such a serious discussion… I mean I could-”_

_“I was just threatening Nino to make sure that he knows what he’s doing! You know…  this person here can be enthusiastic the first minute and disappointed the second!”_

_Jun wrapped hugged Nino from behind, resting his chin on the other’s left shoulder. “Is that so?”_

_Nino’s hands found his as he chuckled. “Let him say nonsense! I have made up my mind and I don’t change it that easily! I think it’s my Jun’s effect!”_

_‘My Jun’… It was the first time that Jun had heard his boyfriend call him like that… Perhaps it was nothing serious… perhaps he was worrying once again too much. The way Nino’s hands were holding his, the way his voice had sounded when he called him ‘ **his** Jun’ were clearly telling him that Nino meant everything._

_In less than a couple of minutes, they were walking back to their table. Jun’s and Nino’s fingers intertwined._

_\---_

_ Two weeks later _ _…_

_“Are you sure about this Nino? If you think that we’re going too fast you can always tell me… There’s nothing I wouldn’t-”_

_“I am 1000% sure, Jun!”_

_“But…”_

_Nino wiped his mouth with the napkin and walked around the table till he was in front of his boyfriend. “I wouldn’t agree into moving in with you; if I didn’t want it; if I wasn’t sure about this… **us**. You make me happy, Jun. I feel happier than I haven’t felt for years!” he caressed Jun’s cheek. “I love you!”_

_Jun sighed. He looked deeply into his boyfriend’s eyes. He tried to read them and no matter how much he tried to find anything that would show him otherwise, he couldn’t. Warmth and care were reflected in them. His lips curved into a smile. There was undoubtedly something more in them… Something he couldn’t describe it but with only one word; love. “I love you, too! More than you possibly imagine, Nino!”_

_\---_

_ One week later _ _…_

_“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?!”_

_Jun decided to give no reply. The truth was that he had… He wanted to celebrate Nino’s birthday at their apartment. He wanted everything to be perfect._

_“You’re stubborn and sappy but you’re lucky you’re cute! You know I can’t handle so much romanticism!”_

_Jun chuckled, knowing well that Nino, no matter what he said, he was a sucker for romanticism. “I’m glad you find me cute, then! Will you call me sappy if I take you for dinner tonight?”_

_“That depends…” his boyfriend mattered in a low voice as his index was drawing invisible lines close to his shirt buttons._

_“I’m talking of your favorite hamburger steak!”_

_Nino’s eyes lit up. “I love you!”_

_Jun chuckled once again. “Because you’ll get to eat your favorite food for free?”_

_Nino locked his arms around Jun’s waist. “I can’t deny that that’s a small bonus but… I wasn’t talking about this…”_

_Jun could see the fade blush that had covered his boyfriend’s cheeks and couldn’t help but smile widely._

_“I know…” he pecked Nino’s lips before went to the door to put on his shoes. “I’ll come and take you from your work. Ok?”_

_“Ok!” Jun muffled a laugh when he saw the other sending him a bit overdramatically a kiss in the air._

_He closed the door behind him but the smile never left his lips. He was happy…_

 

***

 

Others may say that their encounter was pure coincidence, others fate; Jun, on the other hand, didn’t want to give an explanation, nor a reason. He just knew that in this life he had finally found the one. He would be stubborn, sometimes he’d act like a little brat, but above all, he would be someone who could understand him the most. 

 

“Where is your mind traveling again?”

 

“To you…”

 

“What?! You finally decided to make me your muse?”

 

Jun muffled a chuckle. Nino never failed to make him laugh.

 

“You know you’ve been my muse since that day…”

 

“Yes… but you never considered having me close one of your shows!” Nino’s answer came teasing, playful.

 

“As much as I find you attractive, you miss a couple of centimeters for a catwalk!”

 

“But we’re in Japan…”

 

“You know I want my shows to fit in the international criteria but… if you insist, I could organize a private one!” Jun replied amused, placing a small peck on the top of Nino’s head.

 

The latter curled up closer at the touch. “And how private that would be?”

 

“Very… I’d have the privilege to be the only guest…”

 

“That sounds perfect!” Nino moved a bit so that he could face Jun. “We should discuss things… you know like my payment…”

 

“You prefer cash or check?”

 

“Cash… Right after the show… I would like to know how satisfied both my employer and guest would be!” his voice came out huskier as he pressed his body on Jun’s.

 

“As much as I’d love to give you a small sample right now, I’m afraid the van will be here soon…” Nino frowned but didn’t oppose. “Come or have you forgotten your desire to christen every single room of our new apartment?!”

 

The other threw his hands up in the air, defeated. “Fine! Fine!”

 

Jun smiled as he ruffled his boyfriend’s hair. “You’re so cute when you know you’ve lost!”

 

~.~.~

 

One hour later they had put almost everything in boxes. Jun had finished with his yesterday and they were already waiting for them in their new apartment.

 

“I think that’s all…” Nino exclaimed as he saw everything around him.

 

“I’ll go to the bedroom to check it one last time!” Jun said but was stopped by Nino.

 

“I checked it myself. There’s nothing left…”

 

Jun frowned. Nino’s tone was a bit harsher than it should be or… at least, so he thought. He smiled before pecking his boyfriend’s lips. “A second eye never went wrong!”

 

Nino was about to stop him, clearly nervous, when they heard the door bell.

 

“You should open. It’s your apartment!” Jun didn’t give the chance to Nino to say anything more and went to his bedroom.

 

He wasn’t sure why Nino had insisted so persistently to pack the things of that particular room on his own, nor why there were only a couple of boxes when Nino was known for the things he kept even when he didn’t need them. He started looking around but found nothing left. With a shrug, he opened the wardrobe; again empty. He was about to close it when he caught with the corner of the eye something that looked like a small box, hidden at the deepest corner. It was made of the same wood as the wardrobe and if it wasn’t for the light, Jun wouldn’t have noticed.

 

With curiosity winning him over, he kneeled on the floor and took the box in his hands. He could tell that it wasn’t empty. But what was Nino keeping inside of it? Had he simply forgotten it? Or was that the reason for not wanting Jun help him packing his things from his bedroom? Jun felt his heart clenching as he opened it slowly. His eyes bulged and his heartbeat started raising in a dangerously fast, almost painful rhythm in his chest. There were letters… lots of letters; letters that seemed too similar… The handwriting was unmistakably the same which meant that the sender of all these letters was one. Jun dared to see the name written at the back of the envelops; Ohno Satoshi.

 

Suddenly, he felt the air leaving his lungs. The sounds that kept coming from the living room couldn’t reach his ears anymore. It was as if he was caught from the environment around him. All that he could hear was his heartbeat; all that he could see was that name. Ohno Satoshi. There was no doubt. This name belonged to the man that Nino was with before him… the one from whom, according to Aiba Masaki, Nino had broken up almost three and a half years ago. But if Nino was over him, then why would his letters be there? Were they so important? Wasn’t _he_ important? Was he unable to make him forget about the other? And if so… then was Nino truly love him? Was he telling him the truth? Was he really happy with him?

 

The questions kept coming but Jun found it impossible to find any answers. With trembling hands, he took one.

 

_My Kazu_

_You don’t know how much I miss you, baby. I wish that you were here… in my arms… I know I may sound selfish but since I moved to Osaka, we don’t see each other much. I know it’s difficult for you to find the time to come because of your job but the bed is always cold without you, baby. I close my eyes and bring your silhouette in mind, trying to feel your warmth, your touch. Last night, I dreamt of that time we were at our beach, watching the sunset…. I still remember the way you were trembling because of the soft breeze and sought warmth in my arms. I still remember your scent… You always want to pretend the strong and independent one when you want protection, affection, love…_

_Do you miss me, Kazu? I know you were never fond of speaking of your true feelings and emotions but now that we’re kilometers away I need you to say it out loud. Deep inside I know you do… I can see it in your letters, even if you don’t use the exact words. You are always my shy little baby. Always… Perhaps it was what attracted me to you first… Those beautiful, shy eyes of yours… that trembling, melodic voice… those small hands that you were never fond of…_

_Kazu, I have something else to tell you. Do you know what I found accidentally in my attic? That portrait of yours… the one that remained unfinished. I was looking at it and was wondering how could I be so stupid to leave it like this… but then again you always said it to me… how much of an air-headed I was… And like always you’re right…_

_When I saw it, when I saw the way the lines were mixed with each other, following the brush moves, I wanted nothing more but to finish it. I worked on it a bit even if I know that it’s impossible to portray the perfection of your face, of your skin, of the beautiful, soft curves of your body… I realized that I couldn’t do anything unless I had you here, posing in front of me! Will you pose again for me, Kazu? I know you teased me but would stay happily for hours… I want to see it on the wall in the bedroom… I want us, Kazu, to see it as we’re lying down on the bed together. I want to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear everything that I feel… I… Ah! Sorry I got carried away again… But you’re my muse, Kazu… You’re my ultimate muse, my beautiful baby._

_I hope to receive a letter from you, soon. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come to Tokyo, yet, but I’ll try to be there for your birthday!_

_I love you more than anything in this world!_

_I miss you,_

_your Tosh_ i

 

Jun’s sight was blurry. It wasn’t only the words, it was the numbers… the numbers that combined together were showing a date on the top right of the paper. 1 June 2017. There was no mistake that the letter was sent from Osaka on the 2nd of June; almost one month after Jun’s proposal to move in together and two weeks before Nino’s birthday that were coming in two days.

 

Wasn’t Nino happy with spending his birthday in their new home? Wouldn’t he like the big surprise he had been organizing for the last three weeks? Did Nino wish to pass his birthday with his ex-boyfriend? Jun laughed bitterly. No. Not ex… From what it seemed, Nino had never broken up with him. To Jun’s mind came Masaki’s words. _“Shouldn’t you tell him the truth? I think it’s already more than enough…”_ Now, he could finally understand what the other meant… why Nino looked nervous… he wasn’t overreacting. He had been right; unfortunately, right. It was too painful to bear it but Jun could finally put everything in an order. Those times Nino told him he had to leave for the weekend because of his work; those times that he avoided speaking about his past; those times he insisted to be called Nino and not Kazu; those times he’d fall silent staring blankly at the wall across the room or the ceiling; it was about _him_ … Ohno Satoshi… It had _always_ been Ohno Satoshi. Ohno Satoshi had the privilege to call him _Kazu_ … Ohno Satoshi was the one who had his heart in the first place.

 

He opened other letters, even if he knew, that all he ended up doing, was to hurt himself. There were always declarations of love, sweet words, hints… And they were frequent… Nino was receiving them all this time that he was supposedly with Jun. Jun’s hand clenched into a fist, causing the paper he was holding in his hand at the moment to crumple. _I guess I was nothing more than a substitute… a stable fuck… a way not to feel lonely while you stayed in Tokyo…_

He wouldn’t notice that he had started crying, if it wasn’t for the hot drops on his hands. He didn’t want to let go… he didn’t want to show the other how much it affected him. He didn’t want to be seen as weak… not when he was played all this time…

 

“Jun, where are y-?!” the question was never finished.

 

Jun was still kneeling on the floor, his mind blocked. He didn’t move neither when he heard Nino calling his name again, nor when he felt the other’s hands on his shoulders, holding him with a force that showed an agony.

 

“These… these are old… Forgotten… Come… we need to-”

 

“Old?!” Jun couldn’t stand it anymore. “Is a letter, sent two weeks ago, considered _old_ , _Kazu?_ ”

 

Jun saw the way Nino’s face turned pale. “Jun, I…” he waited but no answer came. He only saw his boyfriend’s head lowering, his gaze locked on his lap.

 

He smiled bitterly. “I’m sorry but I’m not interested in participating in any ménage-à-trois. You may have found it entertaining all this time but I guess it’s the end… Everything, no matter how entertaining it is, at some point comes to an end. I always thought today as the beginning of a new phase in our relationship. What I didn’t know is that there wasn’t one in the first place.  I guess today can be our end. Send my regards to your Ohno Satoshi and tell him I’m sorry for making _his Kazu_ sad.”

 

Once he said everything, he pushed Nino back, not even caring if the other fell on the ground. He stood up without throwing another glance to him and almost ran to the door to put on his shoes. He needed to get out of there as fast as possible. The air was becoming suffocating in there. The more his mind gave him flashbacks, the more he realized that the hints were always there but he had chosen not to see them. He had decided to focus only at the fact that he was happy. _Happy…_ he chuckled bitterly.

 

“JUN!” Nino called him suddenly from behind, desperation clear in his tone, but Jun didn’t stop. He couldn’t. Nino’s voice turned more and more desperate, pleading as he kept calling his name. The latter tried to catch his arm, forbade him to leave but with no success. There was nothing left for Jun to listen to… nothing he _wanted_ to listen to…

 

The door closed behind him with a loud bang. There was no more ‘Jun’… Why would there be in the first place?! _Kazu_ had his _Toshi_ …

 

***

 

He was alone in the apartment he thought he would be sharing with his boyfriend. How stupid he was… Now, he knew that he shouldn’t have acted impulsively that night… he shouldn’t have opened himself to the other… he shouldn’t have let himself love… he shouldn’t have let himself believe that he was loved… What for?! There wasn’t anything but pain… His heart was bleeding, crushed as it was in tens of small pieces.

He closed his eyes and let his phone ringing again and again. He wouldn’t make the same mistake… not again…

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Jun frowned as he opened his eyes. His whole body felt numb as he had slept in a weird sitting position on the floor, his back still leaning against the sofa. He hadn’t realized how he had ended up falling asleep last night. Everywhere around him there were boxes. Of course… this was supposed to be his and Nino’s apartment. _Nino’s…_ He felt a knot at the back of his throat. Why had he let himself be deceived? He felt stupid; naïve. His eyes fell on his phone, left on the floor a few centimeters away from him. He opened it with a trembling hand. There were more than thirty missed calls from Nino. There was also a text but he couldn’t read who the sender was… his eyesight was too blurry to be able to see the letters on the screen. He didn’t need to read, though… he already knew.

 

He looked around… This place from paradise had turned into hell. Everything reminded him of _him_ … of the fake happiness he had believed in… and he couldn’t stand it. Above the small fireplace there was a photo of the two of them; him holding Nino by his waist, a wide smile making his face look brighter… In the next minute, a sound of breaking glass pierced the air as the photo frame was thrown with force on the floor. Jun clenched his hand into a fist as he landed a punch on the wall. He couldn’t stay any longer in that apartment; not when everything in there was about _them_.

 

He hastily put on his shoes and opened the door when he almost stumbled on something or more correctly, someone. His eyes bulged. _What_ was he doing there? _Why_ was he there? _Since when_ was he there? The questions kept coming into Jun’s mind who wasn’t in position to give any satisfactory explanation. The man in front of him was curled up like a ball outside the door, his back leaning against the wall. He looked like an abandoned puppy… Jun’s heart clenched. Why was he making it so difficult for him? He wished he was strong enough to close the door behind him and leave but he knew he couldn’t… not when all he wanted to do was to take the other in his arms and never let him go…

 

He took a deep breath and kneeled close to Nino who was still asleep. Jun could see stains of dry tears on his face and dark cycles under his eyes. He placed his palm on the other’s forehead gasping at its coldness. 

 

“Just what the hell are you doing, idiot?!” the words came out as a murmur but betrayed his worry. How couldn’t he worry about Nino? He loved him too much not to.

 

It was obvious that the other had spent outside the apartment hours… Jun shook his head and took the other in his hands, princess-like. He put him carefully on the sofa and looked for something to cover him. He opened one of the boxes that were labeled as kitchen stuff and took out a mug. Luckily, he had already made sure to fill the apartment with the basic food supplies.

 

He put some water to the kettle to boil it and observed the other who was still sleeping on the sofa. That image was so familiar to Jun… The times he’d spend simply looking at Nino weren’t few. They usually made him smile. This time, though, it made him feel sad, empty.

 

It was only when the kettle made its characteristic sound that he heard noises coming from the living room. He put the boiled water into the mug and went to see how the other was.

 

His heart was thumping in his chest when he saw Nino looking at him with red, swollen eyes. “Jun…”

 

“Drink this and better stay warm since you were this stupid to spend the night on the floor outside the door…” Jun spoke in a harsher tone than he had intended to but he couldn’t help it. He was hurt… deeply hurt.

 

He saw Nino lowering his head defeated. He could see how the latter’s shoulders were making small moves… he was crying and Jun wanted to take him into his arms, whisper words of love and assurance but he couldn’t.

 

“Drink it before it gets cold…” this time, Jun’s voice sounded weaker, trembling.

 

The other took the mug into his hands and sipped some of the hot tea, avoiding any eye contact.

 

“What are you doing here, Nino?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you…”

 

“About how I’m not allowed to call you Kazu?”

 

Nino gasped and bit his lower lip. Guilt was portrayed all over his face.

 

“Jun, about that… I-”

 

Jun didn’t give him the chance to speak. He raised his hand as a signal for the other to hush. “Listen. I’m really _not_ in the mood for discussing things about… _him…_ ”

 

“But…” Nino sounded desperate.

 

Jun looked at his ex (?) boyfriend and sighed heavily. “Finish your tea. I’ll think about it.”

 

Without looking at Nino, Jun left him and went to the bathroom. He tried not to but it was too hard for him. It was hurting him to think of Nino being with that Ohno, the same way it was hurting him to see him being at this state. He closed the door behind him and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t in a better condition. Tiredness and sadness were too obvious. Should he give the other the chance to talk? He frowned. _Was_ there anything to talk about? The letters were pretty clear… Their dates, as well. It was obvious that Nino and that Ohno Satoshi were exchanging letters in an almost weekly rate. The man who lived in Osaka had mentioned several times how much he missed his lover, the evenings that they passed in bed… It was too painful to even think about it. Let alone talk…

 

He didn’t know how much time he spent in the bathroom… All that he knew was how fast his heart was beating as he opened the door and made his way slowly to the living room. He didn’t know what to expect. Would the other have stayed or left? His eyes saw the small figure still there. Nino had chosen to stay…

 

“You’re here…” He mumbled before he could control himself. He couldn’t decide if he was happy about it or not.

 

“You wanted me to leave?” Nino whispered in a trembling, almost inexistent voice.

 

“I…” Jun tried to find the right answer but it seemed that his mind was blocked. “I honestly don’t know… I’m confused, Nino.” He muttered at the end and it was the truth.

 

Nino looked up at him with teary eyes. “If you want me to leave then I’ll leave, Jun…”

 

Jun didn’t reply immediately. The other was making it difficult for him and as the time was passing by it became worse.

 

“I… it’s not that… I just don’t know myself…”

 

“I-”

 

“I’ve been fooled in the past, Nino. I’ve been cheated on, Nino… and the funniest thing is that even when I caught that person with someone else in the bed, he acted as if it was nothing important… It wasn’t the same way for me though… It made me focus on my work… be reluctant to meet new people, yet you managed to win my interest, just to prove me how wrong I was…” Jun turned his head the other way, wanting to avoid the other’s eyes. He didn’t want to see them looking at him with pity.

 

“I… I didn’t know… I know that I’m fault… I am but please, Jun, let me expl-”

 

“I’ll only accept it, if you answer with a yes or no. I don’t want to have a conversation. I don’t think it’s needed. I have seen too many letters to need something more.” He turned his gaze to Nino who was looking at him with sad eyes. “But I would like you to be honest, even if I know it will only hurt me more…” he murmured and took a deep breath to regulate his breathing.

 

Nino lowered his head defeated. “Fine… As you wish…”

 

“Didn’t you write back to him all this time we were together?”

 

“Jun, I didn’t-”

 

“A yes or no.” Jun tried not to move when he saw the other sinking back at the corner of the sofa, as if it was possible to get smaller.

 

“Yes.” Nino whispered in the end with his head his head lowered and his eyes locked on his lap.

 

“Those weekends that supposedly you had to leave because of work, it wasn’t work, right?” Jun’s voice started trembling. “You were going to Osaka…”

 

“I…” It was obvious that Nino wanted to say more but Jun’s gaze made him realize that he wouldn’t have the chance. “Yes…”

 

“You told me that you didn’t want me to call you Kazu. Was it because of… _him?_ ”

 

Nino lowered his head even more, resting his forehead on his palms. “Yes.”

 

“Then I think there’s nothing else for me to ask or say and you’ve got your answer to the question whether I want you to leave or stay.” He heard a gasp but had already his back turned on him. “Make sure you close the door behind.”

 

For several seconds, he heard nothing; neither words, nor steps.

 

“I’ll leave…” Jun got startled. He could feel that the other was standing right behind him, he could feel the hot breath of Nino hitting on his nape. “But before I leave I’ll reply two more questions. ‘Did you lie during our time together?’ No. And now, the last one… ‘Did you ever love me?’ Yes. I loved you and I continue to love you, Jun. Bye.”

 

Jun had closed his eyes. He heard slow steps towards the entrance, then the door opening. Silence. He knew the other was looking at him, probably hoping for a word… something. And then, a low bang. Nino had left. Jun felt his knees turning weak and let himself fall on the floor. “You may love me, Nino, but I was always the other one… always _second_ … and that’s something I can’t accept.”

 

***

 

“You’re not drinking another one!”

 

Nino landed his fist on the bar, looking angrily at his friend with his glazed-from-the-alcohol eyes. “Aibaka, give me my drink and stop pretending the strict one! You are a bar tender. Your job is to prepare the drinks your clients ask you and pay for! I’m one of them, so hurry up and give it to me!”

 

Masaki sighed, shaking his head. “I _am_ a bar tender, Nino, but I’m also an employee and as an _employee_ , I have to listen to my boss’ instructions. When he says that I can’t offer a drink to a certain client, then I won’t, no matter how much this client insists!”

 

“Fuck you and your boss!” Nino growled as he tried to stand up from the bar stool with no success as his head was spinning around. He would have fallen, if it wasn’t for a pair of arms catch him at the right time.

 

“Masaki, can you close the bar with Naoki-kun? I think it’s about time I take Nino back to our apartment.”

 

“Of course. I think it’s the right thing to do. He’s about to faint…”

 

“No! I’m perfectly fine!” Nino yelled louder than before attracting several pairs of eyes to stare. In his state, though, it was easy not to realize anything, so he continued in the same tone. “You heard me?! I want is to drink more! Leave me, damn it!” he continued but his friends paid no attention to him.

 

Masaki sighed looking at the way his friend, completely wasted, struggled to get free from Sho’s grip. _Why did you do that to yourself, Nino?! Why are you allowing to feel so much pain? Why do you allow all these people, here, make fun of you?!_ “You’ll be ok? You need help?”

 

“I can handle it! He doesn’t weight much anyway...” Sho said as he held the drunk man firmer by his waist.

 

“Ok, then. I’ll see you later, Sho.” Masaki’s eyes followed his boyfriend trying to take his drunk friend with him with difficulty. “Stupid Nino! I had told you this would happen!” he muttered under his breath and tried to focus on his job. He had to have a serious talk with his friend the following morning.

 

\---

 

“C’mon, Nino… Three more steps…” Sho cursed inside as he was trying to drag Nino to his car. _I should have asked Masaki’s help._

The other wasn’t yelling anymore. He was mumbling things that Sho couldn’t catch and was crying. Sho’s heart clenched. He didn’t know him as many years as Masaki but he had come to really like him and seeing him in this state wasn’t pleasant.

 

“Here, we are…” Sho said as he opened the door of his car and helped Nino sit. “Now, all I’m asking you is to try and not throw up till we reach the apartment, ok, Nino?”

 

“I won’t throw up… I’m not drunk enough…” Nino said with a trembling voice. “I still think of Jun… I still miss him…”

  
Sho didn’t know what to say to this. Sighing, he closed the door and hurried to the driver’s side. But he wasn’t the only one to not know what to say or even think about this. There was someone else who had been seeing the whole scene, hidden in the darkness of the shadows created by the lamps on the street.

 

This someone didn’t stop staring at the car that turned right at the first corner. He was confused… Why was the other this drunk? Why was he crying? Why had he said his name? Without even realizing what he was doing, he found himself walking towards the bar. He opened the door and the moment he stepped inside his gaze was met with that of the bartender. Did he want to be there? What for? Frowning, he was about to leave when he heard the other calling out his name.

 

“Jun-kun! Wait…”

 

Jun turned around and found the bartender standing close to him but said nothing.

 

“I need to talk to you…” the latter said in a worrying tone. Jun could see the need in the other’s eyes but didn’t know, if he really wanted to listen to what Masaki had to say. Masaki waited but soon, realized there was nothing but silence. “If you _truly_ love Nino, we need to talk…”

 

“Truly love him…” Jun whispered, his head lowered. He did love him. If he didn’t, his heart wouldn’t clench at the sight of Nino looking like a shadow of himself.

 

“Jun-kun, listen to me. You’re right and wrong in the same time. Right because Nino owed to you to tell you the truth and wrong because you never gave him the chance to explain…”

 

“Explain to me what?! About how this Ohno Satoshi miss him? Or how about he’s the only one allowed to call him Kazu?!” Jun burst out. He loved Nino… he really did… but how could he accept that?

 

Masaki sighed. “Look… Ohno Satoshi may miss him, as you say, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that _he_ was missed by _Nino_ , as well. As for the fact that he didn’t want you to call him Kazu, it doesn’t automatically mean that for him is something positive, precious that he needs to keep it like that… it may mean the exact opposite… it may be the fact that it reminds him of something or someone he wished to forget…”

 

Jun frowned. What was the bartender trying to imply? “Please… there are the letters… the last one is from almost two weeks ago…”

 

“I don’t doubt that… but never did it cross your mind the word ‘why’?! Why were they letters?! We live in an era that letters are considered at least, old-fashioned…”

 

“Others might say romantic…” Jun replied not wanting to admit that the other had a good reason. His heart was beating faster second after second.

 

“Nino never lied to you…The same way never did he play with you and your feelings behind your back. He’s suffering… It’s partly his fault but I can’t help feeling sorry for him…”

 

“He-”

 

“I know you saw him with Sho.” Masaki cut him off. “If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t come here, right now.” Jun lowered his head. “And you’re suffering, as well. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have stepped inside, Jun-kun.”

 

Jun was about to speak when one of the waiters came to Masaki to tell him something close to his ear.

 

“Look…” Masaki said once the waiter was gone. “I must go back to work but if you still care about Nino, you meet with me at Tokyo Shinkansen Station this Saturday at 7:30 in the morning.”

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me.” And with that Masaki left.

 

Jun was left staring at the other more confused than ever. Frowning he got out and let the air hit his face. What did Masaki mean? A part of him wanted to know but another one was afraid. He put his hands into the pockets of his jeans and started walking with heavy feet down the street. _“Why were they letters?! We live in an era that letters are considered at least, old-fashioned…” “Nino never lied to you… The same way never did he play with you and your feelings behind your back…” “If you still care about Nino, you meet with me at Tokyo Shinkansen Station this Saturday at 7:30 in the morning.”_

 

One by one the bartender’s phrases kept coming to his mind. He _did_ care… There wasn’t a doubt for that but what was there in Osaka for him to see? Was it worth to take the risk? The other clearly was implying that things weren’t as they seemed. Was it that he was wrong? Nino _had_ tried to explain… Masaki seemed to _have_ things to explain. His feet suddenly stopped. “Nino…” he muttered under his breath as he turned his head up to the dark sky.

 

***

 

“Are you sure about this, Masaki?” Sho asked his boyfriend who had just lied next to him on the bed, after having checked on Nino who was sleeping on the futon in their living room.

 

“Yes. Nino was afraid that the other wouldn’t allow him to do that with Ohno-kun but I’m sure Jun-kun wouldn’t care if Nino explained the situation clearly to him. Nino pretends the strong one but always have doubts, sees threats where there aren’t… I had told him that his boyfriend loved him for real and that he had to trust him but he kept denying to tell him the truth. And what’s the result?! Him being like that in our living room!”

 

“But how can you be so sure about Jun-kun?”

 

“I was sure from the very first time Nino brought him to the bar. It was something he had never done and, if I could judge correctly, Jun hadn’t done it either… It was something strong with them. I’d dare to say karmic…”

 

“You think there’s hope?”

 

“If they decide to let aside stupid stubbornness and look truthfully into their hearts, then yes… I believe there is!”

 

“I hope your instinct proves you, right, Masaki…”

 

Masaki snuggled closer to his boyfriend, resting his head in the crook of Sho’s neck. “I hope so, too, Sho, because Nino deserves it; they both deserve it…”

 

“I know…” Sho whispered and pressed his lips softly on Masaki’s hair before he turned the lamp on his bedside table off. “Good night, my love…”

 

“Good night, Sho…”

 

***

 

“You’re on time I see!” Masaki said in a slightly enthusiastic tone once he saw Jun coming closer. “Do you want a coffee? A sandwich maybe? I always prefer to buy things from the station rather than on the train…”

 

Jun raised his eyebrow. Normally, he wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat in the mornings but that premised that he had slept. The truth was that he hadn’t. The new apartment was _still_ the same way it had been since he had gone there after leaving Nino’s smaller one. The boxes were _still_ everywhere. Everything was left packaged… apart from some clothes and basic ingredients to prepare lunch or dinner.

 

The whole night he was debating with himself whether he should go or not… Till the last minute, he wasn’t sure… Whatever Nino’s friend was saying, the other had chosen to keep it a secret from him… there must be a reason behind this decision and Jun, no matter how much he had tried, he couldn’t come up to decide upon it. Was it right for him to be there?

 

“Our platform is the 24th. C’mon… we better get going!” the bartender said once he had bought two coffees and two sandwiches, despite the lack of Jun’s answer to his previous question.

 

“The tickets?” Jun asked, not knowing how to react when he was handed his coffee and sandwich.

 

Masaki smiled widely. “They are already in my pocket! Consider them a small present from me! Now, hurry up!”

 

Jun was once again left speechless. Before he could say anything, he saw the other turning around and walking fast towards the escalator a few meters away. “C’mon, Jun-kun! Hurry up!”

 

Jun followed him silent.

 

It was only when they sat at their seats when Masaki spoke again. “Look, I know this must be pretty confusing but I promise you, you did the right thing! In less than four hours, your questions will be answered!”

 

Jun didn’t dare to say anything but deep inside he hoped the other was right…

 

\---

 

Four hours later, Jun found himself getting out of the taxi more confused than ever. He had thought of many things but _this_ …? No.

 

“Surprised?” Masaki said in a low voice without looking at him.

 

“What are we doing here?”

 

“We’re here to answer your questions…”

 

Jun frowned. Why would his questions be answered in a hospital?! He said nothing more though and followed the other inside. He heard Masaki asking for the rehabilitation center at one of the nurses at the reception and soon, found himself walking towards the north of the garden. Once they reached the building, they didn’t enter. Masaki led him to one of the windows and pointed inside.

 

“There…”

 

Jun looked and gasped. It was Nino who was helping along with one of the responsible ones a small-figured man who was limping quite badly. “Is this…?”

 

“Yes.” Masaki answered immediately. “This is Ohno Satoshi.”

 

“But I don’t understand…” Jun whispered his mind trying to understand

 

“Nino comes here once a month; whenever Ohno Satoshi comes to the hospital for his rehabilitation program and helps him. The truth is that he was asked to… he’s needed to be here.”

 

“I’m sorry but I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

 

“You will, Jun-kun… in a while…”

 

Jun looked perplexed at the other man before turning his attention back to the room. From there, he could see that the small-figured man was feeling some pain. Fine. This… Ohno Satoshi had had an accident but what did that have to do with the letters he had found?!

 

“You’ve done great today, Ohno-kun!” Jun heard the responsible one saying from the room, as the door was open. “If you continue like that, in a month from now, you’ll be able to walk like before and in two months even run!”

 

“I wouldn’t be able to do that if it wasn’t for Kazu being here!” Ohno Satoshi replied with a wide smile. 

 

Jun was about to look away at that phrase but the way Nino flinched at these words made him not want to take his eyes away. He could understand him well and it was obvious that something was wrong there…

 

“Oh-chan…” this time it was Nino’s shaky voice. “I have to go to speak with the doctor, now, ok?”

 

“Sure. I’ll be waiting for you at the canteen.”

 

“Ok…”

 

“How about we grab a hamburger?”

 

“Oh-chan, I don’t think-”

 

“But lately, you never have time to stay… Are you still mad at me for forgetting our anniversary?”

 

Nino seemed to be more and more uneasy. “No, Oh-chan… I-”

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

“It’s nothing… Wait for me at the canteen, Ok?” Nino sounded nervous.

 

Satoshi lowered his head as he nodded slowly.

 

Jun saw Nino walking towards the main building and lost, as he was in his thoughts, didn’t realize the hand that was dragging him closer to Ohno Satoshi.

 

“Ohno-kun!” Masaki said in a cheerful way to the small-figured man.

 

“Masaki-kun! What a surprise!” Ohno Satoshi exclaimed similarly before looking at Jun. “And this is?”

 

“Jun! A good friend!” Masaki replied casually.

 

“Nice to meet you!”

 

Jun gulped. He managed though to mutter a ‘nice to meet you’ back and bow a bit. Ten minutes later, he was sitting at the canteen along with Masaki and… Ohno Satoshi. Instead of answers, Jun had more questions.

 

“How have you been?”

 

“Tired…” the small-figured man answered as he sipped some of the green tea, Masaki had bought for everyone.

 

“The headaches?” Masaki asked causing Jun to turn at him confused.

 

“Less… Sometimes, I just feel that something is wrong but can’t tell exactly what!”

 

“It will be fine, Ohno-kun. I’m sure of it!”

 

“Masaki-kun… I feel, I lose him…”

 

Jun stiffened.

 

“Why?” Masaki asked.

 

“I don’t know… Whenever I try to hug him or touch him, he pushes me away… I feel that he’s mad… It may be because of the portrait that I left in the middle or something worse… I know I can be too impulsive sometimes… It may be something I can’t remember… I think he’s gotten tired of me… Can’t you talk to him? You know him better than anyone and you live together! Please, Masaki-kun…”

 

Jun was left staring at the small-figured guy. Why did he think that Masaki and Nino were living together?

 

“I’ll try, Ohno-kun, but I can’t promise you anything. You know how Nino is…”

 

“You can persuade him! You persuaded that strict Sakurai to hire you as a bartender and don’t tell me, you didn’t do it because you liked him! I still remember how excited you were three months ago, when we were along with Kazama-kun out, because he remembered your name!”

 

Jun’s eyes met with Masaki’s who to his surprise, was staring at him and not at Satoshi.

 

“I’ll try my best, Ohno-kun!”

 

Jun had heard of Kazama. He was Masaki and Nino’s childhood friend who had moved to Hokkaido with his wife around two years ago. Around three months ago, Nino had shown him a post card in which he was asking his friend to come and visit him with Jun in order to meet him. And what was that about Masaki being excited about Sho?! Jun knew that they had been together for a little more than three and a half years already.

 

“Shit…” he muttered to himself forgetting where he was. He suddenly felt as if he could combine some pieces. Was it possible that…? Not knowing what to think. He stood up and excused himself saying that he needed to go to the toilets.

 

Jun of course didn’t go to the toilets. He was afraid he might come across Nino and he didn’t want that. At the moment, he needed fresh air to hit his face so that he could put his thoughts in order. He was leaning against the wall by the main entrance when he saw someone’s shadow coming closer.

 

“Ready to go? I’m buying you okonomiyaki!” It was Masaki who patted his right shoulder friendly. It was obvious that he finally had learnt everything he needed from this hospital.

 

Jun looked at the other and nodded smiling. It was a great idea. He hadn’t eaten much in the past days, especially after he had seen Nino being dragged to Sho’s car in that state. He wasn’t sleeping well, either. The times he’d wake up in the middle of the night with the image of Nino being curled up on his door weren’t few. The times he’d stare for hours at the unpackaged boxes _also_ weren’t few, exactly like those times he’d stare at the photos of him and Nino on his phone. He hadn’t received any message and that wasn’t helping. He’d been feeling sad, anxious, angry… all that till that moment.

 

At that moment, he felt, as if a large burden had been lifted up from his shoulders. He could finally understand, even if he still didn’t know the details. He hadn’t been tricked. He hadn’t been betrayed. He felt lighter, happier and now, that he could feel his stomach cramped, hungry.

 

They had sat at one of the small, local restaurants close to the river. Masaki led them there after his short call to his boyfriend, who, from what it seemed, was the one who recommended it.

 

“Sho is like an alive travel suggestions app!” Masaki told Jun once they sat down with the freshly made okonomiyaki.

 

They ate in a comfortable silence, each one probably trying to find the better way to start the needed conversation. Masaki had brought them a second round of cold beers when he finally started talking before Jun had the chance to ask him anything.

 

“I was living with Nino…” he said, his eyes locked on the glass in front of him. “… until around three and a half years, ago. For years, I had been working as a waiter, so that you understand why Ohno-kun said that _I persuaded ‘strict’ Sakurai Sho to hire me_. The truth, is that I tried my luck as a bartender without having any experience because from the first time I saw him in his small bar, I fell in love. Soon, we became a couple and Sho asked me to move in with him only two months after we got together. It was also around that time that Nino decidedly broke up with Ohno-kun.”

 

“Ohno Satoshi…” Jun muttered hesitantly without turning his gaze to the other. “… he suffers from memory loss, right?”

 

Masaki smiled and sipped some of his beer. “I knew you’d figure out, Jun-kun. Yes… or more correctly selective memory loss, as the doctors call it. Around a year ago, Nino received a call from this hospital. Ohno-kun had a serious car accident… he was hit on the head severely which had left him in a state that he couldn’t communicate with others, for several days. After that, I guess he was in a delirium? I honestly don’t know but all he kept mumbling was Nino’s name. He would be stressed and doctors had to give him sedative injections, something that wasn’t helping at his state. They found Nino’s identity and asked him to visit because it was serious. I had come along, not wanting to leave him alone at such a situation.”

 

“We were informed about how severe his accident, how he had reacted so far and that he had woken up a few hours ago, asking for his boyfriend. We instantly looked at each other; something was wrong. After having passed half an hour at his room, we realized that he had woken up with his mind stuck up in the past; three years, to be exact. For Ohno-kun, Nino was still together with him the same way he believed, I was still Nino’s roommate. The reason why he had moved to Osaka wasn’t the fact that they had broken up. It was because he had found a good opportunity for his work and Nino had been supportive. The doctors had their suspicions from the beginning because he seemed to have problem with a right perception of time but when we explained them, they realized that his case was a lot worse. One of the neurologists, the one that Nino went to talk to before at the hospital, said that it was probably psychological… that Ohno-kun’s brain decided to delete the most painful memories.”

 

“Nino was asked by the doctors to play along for the sake of his health… Wasn’t he?”

 

“Yes… They said that his state was dangerous because apparently Ohno-kun had a melanoma…? No, hematoma…? I’m not good with such terms. Sho is the one who knows them but well… it’s of little importance. It was something in his head, apparently too difficult to reach and clean with surgery, so they had to look at it closely and see if the body would make it heal by itself. Any stress or sudden situation of anxiety could be dangerous. Gladly, that was surpassed completely a few months ago but the memory never came back. That’s the reason why they exchange letters… and why Nino keeps them. Every few months he brings them to the neurologist who is responsible for Ohno-kun… he wants to see the progress, like a diary… because Ohno-kun still has problems to perceive time correctly. Sometimes, he writes letters using the same date for three times in a row or confuse the duration of a month with that of a week, sometimes he considers things that took place years ago as if it was a month ago.”

 

“Like with Kazama-san…” Jun muttered. “So, all those things I read haven’t taken place recently… Nino has never gone to his place…”

 

Masaki sighed, slightly smiling. “Of course, there’s no way he’d go; even before he met you, Jun-kun. He wants to help him but that doesn’t mean that he can forgive him. I mean… Ohno-kun isn’t a bad guy… but he had always been too focused on himself. I wouldn’t say out of vanity or egocentrism; more out of his need to be in his own world. You know… someone, who would look at them together, would immediately say how perfect they were for each other. It was easy to say that. They both had a not too social lifestyle, preferring to stay at home most of the times. They had similar points of view when it came to many things but they weren’t made for each other.  I knew that they weren’t. They were fighting a lot… They had loved each other but there was a large gap when it came to true and deep understanding.”

 

“Ohno-kun couldn’t understand Nino. They both didn’t talk much but it was for different reasons. Nino, despite the impression he leaves when someone meets him for the first time, is someone who seeks for the other’s attention, needs to see different expressions of love but also someone who would never voice it out. I know that you have seen right through his soul but Ohno-kun hadn’t; perhaps, he couldn’t even guess it.” Masaki sighed. “The thing is that they kept fighting and things went worse despite their tries. When Nino asked him to break up, the other said many hurtful things. I guess he’s one of those people who hurt the others not on purpose to hurt them but because they feel hurt themselves. I guess that there is hidden the reason why Nino doesn’t want you to call him ‘Kazu’, Jun-kun. The one that used to call him Kazu has hurt him and he doesn’t want neither to be reminded, nor to feel that the story will repeat itself.”

 

Jun was left speechless. He had found out many things. Now, he could understand better why Nino would look blankly at some random spot on the wall or on the floor and he could understand why he had asked him not to be called ‘Kazu’ while searching for protection in his arms.

 

“Why didn’t he tell me anything?” the words slipped out of his mouth like a whisper and it was a question, dedicated more to himself.

 

“Because he was afraid… afraid that you may not understand why he had to play this role for an ex-boyfriend. He was afraid that you may leave him…”

 

“Stupid…” Jun whispered, feeling tears building up in his eyes and turning his sight blurry. “Stupid…”

 

“I had told him that he was…”

 

“But I’m stupid, as well… Very stupid…” Jun said before finishing his beer.

 

They stayed like that for several minutes, neither of them taking the initiative to.

 

“Can we go back to Tokyo?” Jun asked out of the blue.

 

“You don’t want to talk to him? I can call him and tell him come here…”

 

“No, not here; not like this. Please, Masaki-kun!”

 

“Ok!” Masaki replied with a wide smile. “I think I understand. Let’s go!”

 

Jun was looking outside the window, discovering how beautiful the route was. He had been too nervous before to be able to enjoy the view and the different landscapes that now it worked on him like balsam. He thought how nice it would be if he went on an excursion with Nino. Kyoto or somewhere in Shizuoka from where they could enjoy the view of Fuji.

 

***

 

Jun looked around and smiled tired. Everything was at its place. He had worked for ten hours without break to be able to have everything right. In the apartment, there were no boxes around. Everything was at its place. It was seven o’clock. In an hour from now, he’d be there. Masaki had informed him that he had executed his part of the plan. He hurried to the bathroom to have a quick shower. Twenty minutes later, he was wearing the clothes, he had chosen earlier, knowing how much Nino loved them. He went to the kitchen to prepare himself a coffee and check on the ravioli he had put in the oven. They were stuffed with minced meat, that Jun knew how much his boyfriend adored. He put the plates, cutlery and glasses at their proper place. Two candles were decorating the table in the middle, giving it a romantic dimension; exactly like Jun wanted it.

 

At 20:08 his bell rang and Jun felt his heart accelerating dangerously. He looked at himself in the mirror next to the door, one last time, and opened the door.

 

In front of him, there was standing a nervous Ninomiya Kazunari that made Jun remember Masaki’s words when they had been to Osaka. In front of him, there was an unsure, unconfident man; nothing alike the brat he had come to meet little by little and it hurt him knowing that _he_ was the reason.

 

He didn’t say anything. He held Nino’s hand softly and made him enter. He closed the door and cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks with his palms, as he moved his head slightly upwards so that their gazes could meet.

 

“Welcome home… my idiot…” Jun’s voice was weak, trembling. He felt relieved and anxious in the same time. “Here, all this time, there was another idiot missing you and not having the courage to voice it out loud…”

 

Nino had tears in his eyes but didn’t utter a single word.

 

“This idiot missed so much these beautiful eyes of yours, your soft skin, everything that makes you, _you_. This idiot wants to ask for forgiveness because he let his previous experiences define his relationship with you… This idiot wants you in his life because he can’t live without you… he loves you too much to be able to do that…”

 

Nino’s lower lip trembled. Their eyes were locked to one another and Jun could feel it… they could say everything their mouths didn’t have the courage to utter… They could understand each other… they were _made_ for each other.

 

When their lips met into a soft, full of emotions kiss, they both sighed relieved. Jun let out something between a sob and a laugh. He didn’t care to name it… all that mattered was that Nino was there, in his arms, kissing him.

 

“This…” Nino started whispering on Jun’s lips once he broke the kiss. “This idiot also needs your forgiveness because he let his insecurities win, making him hide the truth… I-”

 

Nino didn’t have the chance to finish his words as he was hushed by Jun’s lips. “Shhh… It’s ok, my love. I know everything… and no matter what your decision is, I will stand by your side because it’s _yours_.”

 

“Jun…”

 

Jun smiled, his right hand brushing softly through Nino’s hair. “I will ask you to follow me to the kitchen where a delicious dinner is waiting for us but first, I want to ask you something.”

 

“Wh… what?”

 

“Can I call you _my Nino_ from now on?”

 

Nino smiled and hugged Jun, wrapping his hands around his boyfriend’s waist tightly. “Of… of course, you can!”

 

Jun took Nino’s hand and with their fingers intertwined led him to the kitchen. He smiled at the feeling of how perfectly they fitted together. He had the man he loved more than anything in his life next to him. Despite everything, he was given the chance to have him by his side and that was what mattered to him the most. After having lost Nino, he could clearly see how much his loss had costed him. He didn’t care about anything else. As long as he had _him_ , he could do anything; he was happy… complete.

 

 

THE END

 


End file.
